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Mafia Gazette Past Issue 108
The Mafia Gazette Issue 108 Monday 16th October 'SEX PEST JAILED BY AUTHORITIES ' By Randle McMurphy A serial sex pest was caught in a dramatic dawn raid by Authorities earlier this week after a string of incidents involving lewd and suggestive behaviour towards women. JuarezCartel was arrested at his Chicago apartment and sentenced to serve jail time for the crimes, including grabbing women’s legs, and suggesting sex acts at random to female passers-by. A spokesperson for The Authorities stated that behaviour of this nature is not tolerated, and anyone proved guilty would suffer a similar fate. False rumours that the serial sex-pest was actually Red_Rabbit in disguise were disproved when his alibi was confirmed. At the times in question it is believed he was engaged in “activities” with Fletcher. If you have been affected by the topic of this article in any way, and have your own incidents to report, please contact Mother with your story, she’d love to hear from you. 'STREET SCUFFLE AS TIMES CAUSES CONTROVERSY ' A scuffle broke out following the latest publication of the New York Times yesterday. An article on the continuing arguments in the street between Mr Clamps and Mr McGregor saw a continuation of the same arguments as both parties picked up their latest copy of the tabloid. Mr Clamps was labelled as the spokesman for ASDA, a title he stated that he did not elect to become, however as the most vociferous member of the ASDA family on the streets, most people are treating him as the official source from the family. Several passers by joined in with the argument, which mostly centred around the desecration of graves with each side pointing the finger at the other. Mr Clamps stated during the heated conversation that he did not desecrate graves and never would, and defended this point despite someone pointing out to him that he had done so following the death of Yejide to which he replied “I called that person a tard as the person in question claimed ASDA had set her up, when it was a completely preposterous accusation”. The disappearance of CarlosMarcello was also brought up, as he was seen to be the most vocal of the ASDA family prior to Mr Clamps picking up that role. We at the paper have now discovered that Mr Marcello has refused to talk to the authorities during his long period of incarceration, which has led to the investigation stalling. This has meant that while he has not proved himself innocent, his silence is proving him guilty of the charges laid against him. In a minor correction to the previous issue, Mr Marcello’s cell-mate has been named as FrancoDiMonte, another detainee who refuses to speak to the authorities. 'NERI SPEAKS OUT ' As violence continues to plague our streets we at the gazette feel that it's important to keep the community up to date with events as they happen and the feelings and opinions of both sides. We managed to secure a statement from Albert-Neri, the man who's taken over the running of the Disco family from Puck to find out his feelings on the events of late and the his belief as to why they occurred. "As you know, the current situation is generally considered to be one of war. And wars are most unfortunate. Especially in the current climate of economic hardship. Good people on both sides die, while the fundamental purpose of our thing.... to put food on the table for our families... is neglected for reasons of revenge. This much is understood by most of the guys out there on the streets. A clan leader is killed, bad things happen in the aftermath and the whole thing spirals so easily into blood-letting. Such a shame. I read the papers. I watch the street debates with interest. I see a lot of people talk, but few of them ask the questions I have asked myself. When our thing deemed Puck worthy of ascension to Don, it was a sign that fortunes were changing. Perhaps the two old guards over the past two war-torn years sensed that a change as to who wielded the power in this community was at hand. A third way. An alternative to ASDA and the Conceptualists. While Puck's death shocked us all, can I look at it now and say that it was not a simply part of a larger pattern? Within a day of his promotion to a feat never reached before in the criminal underworld, Puck was shot down by former associates whose tag he no longer wore. Within a day. I would think about that if I were an aspiring mobster out there. Someone wishing to hit the dizzy heights as so many do. And people now debate the presence of a relative of notorious killer Billy BathTub being in Pucks crew as a bizarre justification. The debate is as irrelevant to me as the justification. I don't really care. This is business. Anyone with open eyes can assess a situation and correctly recognise it as a power grab, which is what this was. From a crew who have constantly stressed their willingness to keep to themselves. I spoke with a senior member of ASDA. I asked why Bugsy had dropped his tags in the wake of the assassination and chose to give the impression of being a lone gunman. I still have yet to understand the reply, as he still leads his family. The facts to me are that the moment someone made a name for themselves who was not ASDA, ASDA killed them. To stay on top. Such things happen. War you say? What happened then and what happens after is now simply a matter of natural process." We thank Mr Neri for taking time out of his busy schedule to talk to us and hope to bring you a similar interview with an ASDA representative in the next edition to provide readers an insight into events from both perspectives. 'THE MYSTERY OF THE LA BANK JOB ' Recently a heated debate has been witnessed on our streets when FallenAngel, the son of FallenAngelJr came to the streets to make a speech in an attempt to clear his father's name. His father murmured something about stealing "50 million of ASDA money” in his last words, sparking rumours that he had committed a bank job. This rumour was denied by ASDA members in his funeral who claimed to have lost no money whatsoever. The debate as to whether this actually happened or not spilled over onto the streets after FallenAngel gave a full and frank apology for what his father had done. He claimed his actions were an act of war and "an attempt to remove ASDA money and not that of the general LA population." He asked for someone with proof that they'd lost money from the said robbery to come forward so that proof would be there for everyone to see, but nobody spoke up sparking rumours among some parties that he may have been lying about the whole thing. Speculation is rife as to whether it did happen and the figures released by the lawyer certainly point to there having been a robbery, however the lack of proof is what's proving to be confusing and putting doubt in people's minds. The police were unwilling to help with our enquiries into the said crime due to the case being closed as the supposed perpetrator is now deceased. 'NEWSPAPER OFFERS BOUNTY ' The Editors of the New York Times yesterday offered a large sum for the death of ASDA Consigliere T1fa. The article spoke of retaliation for the death of Puck and stated that the Times had set up a “Commemorative Fund” which will be used to fund the hit they have advertised in their lead story. The bounty of over $40 million we believe is still being added to with donations to this “Commemorative Fund” which now appears to be a slush fund for the removal of ASDA members rather than doing any good or giving anything back to the community. We attempted to speak to both T1fa and the executor of Puck’s estate to get their views on the bounty, but unfortunately both were unavailable for comment. With T1fa currently being absent from the community on an extended sabbatical to tend to her ailing mother, an absence which has precluded her from having any dealings in this whole affair, it is as yet unknown as to any real reason for the bounty other than the malicious removal of the highest ranked member of the ASDA family in retribution for the death of Puck. No bounty has as yet been published or publicly offered for the head of the killer, Bugsy_Siegal. We will bring you more news on this topic as we have it. 'CON MERCHANTS’ TRIAL COMMENCES ' A pair of concrete merchants went on trial in Chicago County Court today following their arrest over the weekend. Mr W Burke and Mr W Hare went up before Chief Justice Jeffries this morning charged with several offences. The charges that brought them to the court were as follows: Desecration of graves: The pair were removing bodies from their final resting place and taking them back to their factory. Misappropriation of Traditional Mafia Burial Garments: the cement shoes and overcoats were stripped from the dead, leaving the dead exposed to the elements. Unlicensed recycling of said garments: the cement was then pulverised and mixed with a small quantity of unused cement to be sold on. Infringements of the Trades Description Act: The cement was not being labelled as 90% recycled material. The final charge was Embezzlement: This charge was for charging for new cement which is ten times more expensive than the legally reclaimed, recycled material. The defence submitted a plea of Not Guilty on all counts. The trial continues tomorrow. 'MAFIA CALENDER "GIRLS" ' Yesterday well known Dallas female MoneyPenny made an appearance on our streets to announce a new concept - A mafia calender. I spoke to her personally to find out more about the idea and the inspiration behind it. First I enquired as to what inspired her to create a calendar, to which she replied "Well, Angel-Islington and I were having a mutual- appreciation session, as we often do these days seeing that nobody else seems to appreciate our beauty quite as much as we do ourselves, and it came to our attention that our community lacks a few good pin-ups. As gorgeous as we are, we know there are some other beauties out there, and as we approach the end of the year a calendar seemed the perfect way to showcase some of our society’s beauties." She was then asked what the idea was really all about. She replied, "Well hopefully the calendar part is pretty self explanatory – we are embarking on a hunt for Calendar “girls” – people whose presence can fill an entire month. I myself am miss November, Angel is Miss December, so we are looking for individuals to fill the rest of the months." I asked how the search was going so far and ow many more people were needed. She explained, "We set out to find ten, though Vanity has already stepped forward as our Calendar Cover Girl, and what better way to start the year than gazing at her spellbinding chops? Finally it was asked if animals were allowed, what about people of debatable sex such as Francesca_Vianni? She replied, "Animals, Cross Dressers, and those who are uncertain are welcome to apply, as long as they are as beautiful as us. 'A LESS VIOLENT WAY TO PASS SOME TIME ' After the recent violence it's nice to see some members of out community striving to bring a bit of cheers back to the city's streets. The_Colonel has decided to set up a talent show in an attempt to raise spirits in this dark time. First prize was set at $10,000 initially but upon speaking with him we discovered it has since been raised to $100,000 with a "booby prize" of $50,000 going to the worst act. When asked what he was looking for in the winner he replied, "There's no set criteria for a winner I'm just looking for something thats going to cheer people up after recent events. I'm also trying to add add a little glitz to the poor citizens lives who have been made hell in recent weeks, its sort of a giving back to the community event. Leave your guns at home its all for fun." We'd like to personally applaud The_Colonel for his efforts and encourage as many members of the community as possible to get involved to make this event a success. Good luck to all who take part.